Less Wonder

First published in Voiceworks Magazine, Issue 121, ‘Root’ Jan 2021

I was never taught how

to properly gut a fish, only

how to place them in a dry

bucket, watch as they’d thrash

and choke on air. Which knife

should I choose and where do

I make the first incision? At what

angle do I groove through her bones?

Spoon her eyes with a bloodied

finger or freeze under their dying

stare? When cutting her fins, should

I repurpose them into origami

cranes, turtles, fish? I could believe

her guts dye blue or brown or black

depending on where you hook her.

Do her scales singe at human touch

or hush like paintbrush hairs? Would

you laugh at me, a gutless wonder?

I first cried when Dad called me

that, yelled to hold the yellow herring

high for a photo. I knew I couldn’t

touch something I had killed.

I wouldn’t know what to keep or toss.

I want to throw some of it back.

I want to throw all of her back.